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despise.

I absolutely abhor when people talk to me in a whiny tone.

I'd rather rip my ears out.

Stand Still.

I've been told I can't stand still.

I would have to agree. I always have some other place I would rather be...I feel like I am missing out on life if I stay still for too long.

I am at a stand still. we are not talking. going on day 7. I am learning I am stubborn.
Maybe I am reason, maybe they are. Either way I WILL NOT CAVE.


Is it wrong to pray for God's will when secretly you WISH you can get what you want? I know what I want, but I want God's will more. I need God to guide me, to show me HIS way, but I am afraid if he tells me what to do and it is not what I want, I won't do it. I want to do one thing, while almost everyone else is pulling for me to do another.

Open and close doors according to YOUR will God.
Give me something to hold on to - if that is what you want.

Be Still and know that I am God.

Houston

This morning I woke up in Katy, TX. Which is a pretty large city in the Houston area. I got a cup of Hazelnut coffee, a bagel, and headed to the conference. We passes right by Downtown Houston. It was lovely. I am now at a Starbucks in Clear City, Texas. It is great. I love big cities. Though driving in the city makes me really tense, Sorry Becca. :) Poor dear I was being really crabby when I was driving yesterday. Man I just love the city, I love the atmosphere. It is so great. I am not a country girl.


I also think I am going to go to a mega church, or a large church. I love the atmosphere, there are legit people there. I don't know, it is just what I am thinking I am going to do. I would love it.

I love polished people. Dark jeans, good hair, nice sweater. I love unpolished people too. I just want to look well put together.

There is so real point to this. Just some thoughts. Some ramblings. Some things I need to get out of my otherwise crowded mind to make room for more thoughts. I love where God is taking me. I never wanted it, I always wanted to get out. But it is true what they say you don't know what you got till it's gone.

Broken//

There is beauty in brokenness. There is beauty in pain. God sees us in our weakness and He loves us the same. A friend pointed out to me that God sees the whole picture when He looks at us. He sees us outside of time, he sees us when we are at our lowest but he sees the person we are going to be. He knows there is a journey, He is proud of us, where we are at. It's ok to be broken. It's ok to be weak. It's ok to reach for God. It's ok.

Blatantly Obvious.

It is blatantly obvious to see that you do not care.
It is blatantly obvious to see that I wish you did.

It is blatantly obvious to see that I need to stop caring.


I wish that I could.

Coffe Shop Junkie.

Coffee Shop Junkie, that really is what I am. Though this condition is considerably cheaper than those of perhaps a crack cocaine junkie, it is still not cheap. The average cup of coffee is $4.50. If you get a latte, and why not get a latte? That is part of the experience. The coffee shop with the addicting $2.15, unlimited refills, is about 35 mins away. So with gas, everything evens out.

I love coffee shops, I love the atmosphere, I love getting off campus, I love people watching, I love the quiet, I love the busyness, I love it. I love them. I love coffee. & country music.

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I am about to move. About is a little strong. But I have until Dec 19th. I am so confused how time is going by so painfully slow and so frighteningly fast. I want to go home. I will miss my friends. People. You, people. You get me attached and then I move and nothing is ever the same. Change is good, change is bad, change is scary, change is not fun, change is exciting.

My point? Everything has its ups and downs. Coffee, Texas, Michigan. All of it. Would I rather save my money and never taste the sweet nectar of an upside side Caramel macchiato, low fat, with whip? No. of course not. Would I rather not make friends for fear of losing them in the future? No. So why am I so fearful of making this choice. This choice that seems so permanent.

Sometimes I think that I am too young for this. I swear two days ago I was 18. Graduating highschool, petrified of college, look at me now! I live in TEXAS. When I came here, it was a jump, it was a risk, and it was great. This place has provided me with the environment I needed to grow into the woman God has created me to be. Home. Nothing good really ever came from home. But I am not who I was. I am not who I am going to be.

SURRENDER

Surrender Let go. Surrender Let go. Surrender Get go.

easier said, then done.

Breakthrough

I feel stuck. I feel like I need to breakthrough something. What exactly, well I have not quite figured that out. I can almost picture a wall above my head that I am continually running into. I keep ramming my poor little head into it and nothing happens, all I get is a headache.

I keep wanting to discuss things with God, to get through this break through but I can't get my mind to go there. I can be all alone, with no distractions and yet my mind hits a wall when I try and process. I do not understand. All I can seem to do is surrender. Surrender Daily. That's what I do. I normally have specific prayers that I pray and this week, I can not manage to get them out. Nothing has happened in this particular area of life (Casey, I hope you are following) I have not had "manna" at all this week. I haven't prayed for it either. My mind will not go there. I'm not too worried, this could be the answer I have been looking for.

I started school again. I thought when my parents gave me their blessing to not do school this semester, it was a green light to go home early. Ha! I enrolled myself in school, and then asked my parents if that was ok. I just knew that was what I was supposed to do and I was sick of fighting it. I am actually really excited to take Accounting and Economics. Clearly I am off my rocker.

That's really all that is been going on with me lately. Except for this nagging feeling I have way in the back of my head that I need to change something....So I just pray for stronger conviction. that should work. :)

Before I go off on a never ending tangent about nothing at all, I will end this here.

Chains be broken.

Lives be healed.

Eyes be opened.

Christ is revealed.

that's fine.

No matter how awesome I think my plans are, they never seem to work out. That must mean that my life is going to be awesome because God has big plans for me. They must be pretty awesome.
My heart beats and breaks for things, for people.

unwed mothers, inner beauty, unseen heroes, grace, things that matter, babies, love, friends, pure love, marriage, family, wrinkles, weddings, laughter, traveling, rolling hillside, exploring, climbing, wandering, music, sunshine, open fields, no regrets, chubby baby hands, insecure girls trying to fit in, tall buildings, downtown, coffee.

THERE IS LOVE, THERE IS GRACE, THERE IS FREEDOM, THERE IS JESUS.

I want to live a life full of those things.


I have so many options in front of me. It makes me really excited about life. Being the now is really hard. Everyone says to live in the now. But I'm antsy.

My soul soars when I think about all of the possibilities in front of me. none of them involve Texas.

Lacey/unwed mommies- Cadillac, Michigan.
Study Abroad - Dublin, Ireland.
Hospitality Management - Macomb, Michigan.
Business Management - Rochester, Michigan.
Anywhere in California.
Chicago.

anything that isn't here.

I don't think I am going back to school this semester. I am going to be bored out of my little mind. I am not sure what God is going to be teaching me in this next season of my life. Something, though. I am ready for it, bring it on. :]

The Lord is faithful, He is abounding in love and grace. His fingerprints are everywhere.

$tress.

I have never been more stressed about money in my life.
My dad gave me some money on my debit card to fix my car. and somehow all of is gone. and my car is not fixed.

I even overdrafted, that is how much I spent. I did not think I was that bad with money. I have even been watching my account balance. I hate money.

I think life would so much easier if I had an income. That is just my personal opinion.
I would love to pack up everything I own and move home. It would be so easy. I could get a job and be near my family, and my friends.

Lately I have been missing 2008. The whole year, 2008. I was not happy with my life that year but now I would love to go back. Things seemed simpler back then. I don't think they were, I guess hind sight is always 20/20. But I had a good life back then. Now that I am really thinking about it, I don't know if I would like to go back. Wow, bipolar. Sorry.

oops

well my sugar fast lasted all of about 2 days after posted.

oh well, it's summer.

CANDY.

Today is only day 2 of my 125 break from sugar. I don't know if I will survive. I will.

Had to go to the hospital last night with my sister. She had some pretty intense back pain and we needed to get it checked out. Everything is fine, I don't think we have told my mom yet. :)

Take me away...

My mother is in Europe right now. I am insanely jealous. I have never been across the ocean. I have been to the Caribbean, but not to Europe. Let's go, right now. Pack up our stuff and head overseas. If I had any sort of monetary income, I would be on the next flight. However, when reality sets in I realize I pay to work and I have no money to speak of.

As I mentioned before Summer is fast approaching here which means August graduation is coming up very quickly. A good portion of my friends are going to be graduating and leaving. This reality is heartbreaking. When this happened to me last year I was nothing short of broken hearted. Everyone is going on with their lives and I am so excited for them, however, if time could just stop for a little bit, I would be ok with that.

I wish we all won the lottery and could go away, on vacation. A getaway, a refresher, something, to recharge our batteries for the next 81 days until graduation. I have decided that sometimes, an escape is good. An escape to get away from all of the stresses of life and just be. With friends, alone, with a significant other, with family, anything. Just let me get away. Just enjoy life as it comes, and forget for a moment that life is hard. To remember that life is good because God is good. Things down here and go, go go all the time, I find it helpful to pull away and refocus my life. Focus on the good things, like sunshine, and little German cities, and beaches, and the smell of suntan lotion. Ahhhh the little things.

I used to get annoyed with people would turn any inanimate object into a "god thing". But I think sometimes it is good too see that God blesses us a thousand times a day. He loves us, and is desperate for our attention so he will send us little gifts just to remind us. But when we get so busy that we miss them, we start to forget they are there. And I have been finding that in turn i forget God is there, with me, every step of the way. I soon try to do everything in my own strength...and it goes downhill from there.

I need to get away - but right now - I cannot.

Summer!

wow, it has been almost a year since my last post, oops. Sorry.

well It is almost summer here. Well I am done with exams, and it is in the 80s everyday but we have not switched to Summer Schedule. June 1st is the start of it all. When Teen Mania goes crazy and our campus is filled with 89043890483908534 people and it gets insanely hot. I am looking quite forward to it, actually.