crazy

so i can not believe that it has been so long since i last updated. but maybe that is a good thing, maybe that means that time is going by faster and not painfully slow. but maybe not.

so lets give you all the low down.

Over Valentine's Day weekend we had a fasting LTE (Life Transforming Event). we stopped eating Wednesday night and started eating again Sunday morning. (over 80 hours of no food, and i LOVE food) Thursday night we took a vow of silence. yeah- it was intense. I have never felt so small or fragile in my life. I think it hit me just how much i depend on God. Saturday morning I really thought I was going to die, but I made it. God is good! I learned a lot that weekend, a lot about what I am called to do with my life. I do not know everything and I do not even know if the things God told me are going to happen. it does not matter to me because I trust the Lord. He knows the future and He will reveal it to me when I am ready.

Which I think is key. because think about your life now, when you were 20 and God told you "you are going to marry this person, have this many kids, live here have this career, etc etc" you would probably freak out right? right. So i am just along for the ride. a friend of mine wrote this song 'moment' and one of the lines has really applied to my life lately. I will share it with you "and as you carry me, i'll go, where you lead" I love it, God is carrying me because he LOVES me. I love saying that. He LOVES ME. :) anyways he is carrying me and he is going to take me where he wants me to be and I am just along for the ride. it is so much better than worrying and trying to figure out the future. (PS that song is by Mark White Band on their new CD 'Now & Forever' in stores and on iTunes- GO GET IT!!!!)

I really need to journal more because I can not remember everything I have been learning. I have had break through after break through though. I have also been really tripped out by conversations i have had with certain people and certain songs i have heard, or verses i have read. the other night i had a total freak out and I talked to a friend of mine during my breakdown and (side note- i LOVE my friends Jesus has really blessed me with amazing friends they listen to me ramble and freak out anyways) i just started rambling about why i was freaking out he just reminded me of things that i knew and that i should not take what he says or what anyone says i need to find it our for myself. which is what i want. I want my relationship with Jesus to grow deeper and deeper so that when I go home I will not be shaken. Jesus has consumed my life and I will not lie to you for one second- I love it.

It is scary too because I have just a little bitty mind and I don't always get it and it makes me anxious. then i remember 1 John 4:28 "perfect love casts out fear!" THERE IS NO FEAR IN LOVE. Satan- has already been defeated he has no hold over me. he is relentless though and loves to fill my head with lies and doubts. well no more satan- no more i say!

oh here is my newest passion. It used to be my passion but i left myself get numb and let my standards go a little bit. well i am back. ready for it? drum roll....PURITY!!! oh my goodness I forgot how much my purity means to me. I was ashamed of the fact that I have yet to receive my first kiss. yup, that is right. I am 20 years old and I have never kissed a boy. I am proud. Oh wait that is not to say I think kissing is wrong- because I don't. I just have been in a situation where the person was worth giving it to. When Jesus brings me the right guy- i will kiss him. My purity and innocence mean so much to me. I can not believe that for one second I thought I was putting too much pressure and importance on it. false. I take it very seriously. VIRGINITY ROCKS MAN!!!

I also had a 'wisdom lunch' with Katie Luce- which for those of you who don't know is Ron Luce's (the president and founder of Teen Mania) wife. so it was pretty baller if i do say so myself! and i found a mentor! long story, for another time.

I got accepted to go to NEW YORK on a missions trip!!! I AM SO PUMPED!!!! I am writing support letters and trusting the $1,688 will come in! be praying for that.

I miss city lights.

Carrolton, Texas.
its a place, look it up.

that is where I am currently. I am staying with my roommate Amy and her family.
Amy's family works for Gospel for Asia. which apparently is huge and world-wide.
missed the memo on THAT one. anyways last night we went to an all night prayer
meeting. well...we stayed 'till 12:30.

anyways here's what has been goin' on the HA.
things are getting better, and busier. which is good. i am so much happier- joyful- than when I first got here. I still would give up the 70 degree weather to go home. but I know this is where God wants me to be.

I am learning a lot about myself and God. I am falling head over heals for Him. I'm starting to get a better idea of what God wants me to do with my life. but I don't know for sure what I am going to do next year.

there is always the option of staying here a second year. I would not enjoy it but I have to be open to it.
I LOVE being home but at the same time- what am I going to do there? ya know?
I want to have a clear purpose next year. I am praying about it- the idea that is starting to come is a little far fetched.
SO if you want me home next year, pray that God opens up doors and shows me something to do there.

Also- I am applying for my mission trip next week. I'm thinkin' NY or Australia.
Australia is $4000 but people keep telling me that Jesus will provide.
but NY is more along the lines of what I want I feel my passion is.

Which in case you were wondering...is this country. If you havn't noticed it is broken, hurting, and without hope.
Teen Mania is all about reaching this generation and raising up missionaries to go into all world.
which I think is super important but in the back of my head I think "what about the people here?!"
the people who were raised in church but have no idea what it means to have a relationship with Jesus.
what about all the people out there who don't get how much He loves us. who is going to tell them they are beautiful? who is going to tell them that no matter what they do Jesus will always always love them? who is going to show them that they can live a live living for God that is full of joy and love? WHO? and then I say "send me! let me show them"

the missionary videoes are all really touching but the stories that make me tear up are the ones about the teenagers who cry out to God and commit to help their generation. I want to bless the people here who ARE going out. I want people to see the importance of striving for excellence. I want to be behind the scenes, I want to help equip people to go out and spread the word and to just love people. I can't put into words everything that has been on my heart lately. but that's the basic idea.


I am not sure if Teen Mania is where I am supposed to be forever, I don't think it is. I think I want to take what they are doing and do this at home. But I have NO clue what that even means.

that is all for now. thank you so much for praying God has been blessing me so much lately- I don't think I deserve it. I have not had the best attitude at all.

please keep praying though it is not easy here.